The older I get, the more I understand how God’s people could swing pendulums over just days at a time in Old Testament accounts. On Monday I wanted nothing more than to be back in the Bay. I miss my stretch of the crisp, brisk ocean; my bff; the cool air; the culture.
I genuinely love California. And while I had long since been ‘over’ living in the Bay Area, February, March, and April were fraught with indecision, stress, anxiety, and mental fog. All things God never intended for His people to muddle through, let alone get lost in. What I wanted was to move to Santa Cruz or SoCal, but things just weren’t coming together, and I had a nagging feeling that I was missing it somehow. As winter turned to spring, I experienced some deep disappointments, and became increasingly confused about where I should go next, and how to live differently than the struggle and frustration of living with strangers, feeling exhausted, and not being able to focus on my music the way I feel called to.
At the start of the week, I had similar thoughts to the Israelites – romanticizing what I had just been rescued from; comparing the uncertainties of transition to the highlights of the struggle I had grown used to. But that’s not the way I want to live. I am determined to focus on and lean into the sheer and abundant goodness of God. To combat the temptation to pine after what I willingly walked away from in faith, I need to more fully acknowledge and celebrate the goodness that has already transpired. Like the fact that my plane ticket was only $250, and the way that I was able to complete all the items on my #lasthurrahlist with good friends, and the way I unexpectedly got to go to Asilomar just a few days before leaving; the fact that I didn’t have to change planes at all through a whole day of flying, and my awesome family greeting me at the airport with a welcome home sign. My brother driving down from Ohio with his wife and two toddlers and prioritizing helping me purchase my first car and the hilariously entertaining, reality-tv worthy experience that turned out to be.
I’ve mentioned before that celebrating hasn’t been my strong-suit. I’m seeing now that what makes it so problematic is an underlying need to have my mind renewed concerning the character of God. That He is only and always good.
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