my chief aim + my cupid’s bow

I’ve been thinking to write about a few things that have become significant game-changers in my life. Like highlighting my cupid’s bow and realizing what it really means to walk and live  by faith . . . that it’s a lifestyle and not a season some people endure until they have enough money to not need to anymore . . .

But first I’ve been thinking to write about what has most significantly altered my perspective on my singleness. A while ago, I had a discussion with my aunt and her daughters about soul mates during which I explained my perspective on the concept. But what really came up in me to try to articulate was the notion of my soul to begin with and the context of time as they both pertain to marriage and intensely falling in love. Ha.

I have come to recognize that this is really a non-issue for a lot of women (slash maybe even most) , and especially a lot of women my age, but you have to understand the kind of heart I’ve had since I was four and a half years old . . .

For the first twenty-six or so years of my life, I wanted nothing more than to spend my When I Grow Up days cleaning an aesthetic kitchen and folding laundry and greeting my husband when he came home from work and teaching my babies to read. And somewhere along the line, it became too much to me. At some point that became so big on the inside that there wasn’t much room for anything else, and so it gave birth to smallness and fear. Smallness that couldn’t hear God speaking to me of more and of seasons . . . Fear of marrying the wrong person because not getting married at all never even occurred to me. Ha.

For whatever reason, it felt profound the day I realized that God loves and created me. And that my chief end is to know Him. I was made to meet my Maker, even if I never get to be a homemaker. That is the thing that is constantly true.

I am a firm believer that God has determined the allotted periods and boundaries of my dwelling place. In the beautifully layered mystery of His wisdom and grace, God determined that I should be born in 1989 on the East Coast of the United States beneath the Mason-Dixon line.

I think it’s worth noting, however, that I don’t believe that everything that happens is according to God’s perfect will. I think people make choices and entertain shenanigans, and that in a metanarrative sense I could just as easily have been born when and where I was without the Mason-Dixon Line ever being an artifact of the jacked up history it represents. I could just as easily have been born here because my parents or theirs decided to traipse across the wide Atlantic Ocean either from a sense of adventure, or at the leading of the Lord. Nonetheless, I am an American millennial.

But let’s suppose for a moment that I was born in New Zealand in 1987 or in France in 1862 . . . the chief aim and purpose of my life would still be to meet my Maker. God would still be just as persistent in ensuring that I met Him. Me knowing God is the main thing. The stuff that makes me human – the immortality of my spirit and soul – is not dependent on time and place.

What is dependent on time and place is the men I have to choose from to marry. And, fortunately for me, the fact that I get to choose who I want to marry at all.

What this realization woke up on the inside of me is the truth that C.S. Lewis articulated during his allotted period and boundary places – that he who has God has nothing less than he who has God and everything else. It’s the kind of thing that can be as real and clear and vibrant as the Golden Gate Bridge one day and completely invisibly masked by a fog the next.

God has all of us here to do good works that glorify Him and – in light of the broken curse – affect and influence other people for their betterment and their increasing proximity to God.  But the moment the thing itself becomes the chief aim – however good a work it may be or however noble a desire – it is tainted and walks with a limp . . .

The way to reaching those lesser things and understanding what you’re put here to accomplish is by patiently and faithfully seeking first the Kingdom and the character of God. The ‘Kingdom’ being His culture and His way of living; His character as He reveals it to to you in relationship and in His Word.

I am so grateful for the imperishable and uninstagrammable changes that have taken place in me over the course of the past two dozen months. I am so grateful that God is making me whole and strong and fearless on the inside so that when the fullness of time does arrive – according to His will, for the praise of His glory – I can be a healthy, satisfied and fulfilled wife and mother who doesn’t find her identity in her husband’s status or her home’s square footage or the accomplishments of her children (which I would otherwise undoubtedly be prone to do).

Instead, I will be able to actually love my husband and bless my children and enjoy my home in spite of its inevitable earthly imperfections.

And in the meantime, I can be fully satisfied in my relationship with God – bearing fruit in a myriad of significant ways and living with increasing freedom.

. . . and He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward Him and find Him. Yet, He is actually not far from each one of us . . .

Acts 17

. . . & & | God is not far from you.

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3 Comments

  1. Well said. It’s easy enough to clutter our “chief aim” and hard enough to choose wisely on the “Cupid” life.
    After 40+ years I believe I chose as well as I could (at the time) and ended up looking wise thanks to God.

    Liked by 1 person

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